Wild at Heart

Recently, I read, "Wild at Heart" by Jonh Eldredge. First, let me say, fantastic book. Second. Boy did it make me think. For years, I've been in denial, that I had any sort of "wound" that could possible make me act the way I do.

I've never really pin-pointed it until recently, and I believe, I have more than one wound. One is obvious. My entire life, I was never told that I was going to be something great, I was always told that I was going to screw one thing up or another. I was always told, I would never be a man. Which, I just always believed. It was never a question to me, whether or not I was going to be good. I was raised knowing I was going to be horrible at everything I do. I've taken that wound, and I have began to repair it.

In the midst of repairing one wound, I fell upon another. Growing up, I remember hearing stories of why my real dad left. Every story was pretty much the same. He was really fond of Adrienne. (My older sister) But never really seemed to care for me. For the five or six months he was around, he constantly denied I was his kid. I never thought about how hearing that made me feel. I never realized, that, everyone was telling me the reason my father left was because of me. Because, for some reason, when he looked at me, he didn't feel love.

You have no clue how much someone I have never met has affected me. Heck, I had no clue how much he affected me. But now, I want answers. I want to know, if everyone is just fabricating it. I want to hear I was just the scape goat, and the real reasons he left ran a lot deeper. I want to know his side of the story. I want to hear it from him. I want to learn about his heritage, his life, his reason for leaving. I want to hear that I am his son.

A part of me is telling me, to run, it's a horrible idea. I'm only going to get hurt. But, something else is telling me this is something I need to do. I need to hear what he has to say, whether it is good or bad. I need to hear it to heal.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not blaming all of my mistakes, and problems on these wounds, but, I believe, they had an effect on me.  I also believe that working on these wounds, and praying about them, that I can be healed.  I will be healed.

I trust in The Lord, my one true father, to guide me, to help me heal, and to help me decide what I need to do. I trust in Him to give me strength, whatever happens, to keep my head up. Also, if you guys want to pray for me, I won't mind at all. I want to heal. I want to be what people have told me I can't be my entire life.  I want to prove them wrong.

Christmas in July?

This is a picture of one of my earlier Christmas's. This picture is really awesome to me because, as you can see, me and my sister got Teddy Rumpskin. You can tell how excited I was to get him. At that time, that was the most meaningful thing anyone could have ever gotten me. A simple, talking bear, with a cassette player cleverly hidden in his back. The reason I remember him so much is because of this.

Ok. Telling this story on paper is wierd, because I have never really tried it. It's bringing up all sorts of emotions. When I was sevenish, my house burnt down. When the smoke detector went off, I only remember doing a few things. I got my brother and sisters out of the house, I woke up my parents, (they didn't wake up for anything), I got my dog, Bandit, on a leash and I woke up my "babysitter" and gave her Bandit. Then, I ran into the living room and grabbed Teddy Rumpskin. I remember when I was running out of the house with Teddy, I tried to get my mom too, but she was on the phone with 911. (the phone was melting in her hand, it burnt her really bad)


It's funny to me because, the firemen said, had I not woke my parents up, they would have definately died, because the fire was in their room. And who knows what would have happened to my siblings and dog. So I was kind of a hero to them, but all I did was got all the things I loved the most. I'm no hero, just selfish.

The reason I told that story is because of this. Last week my pastor gave me a Bible, and inside, I had the same look on my face as in the picture above. I thought I was gonna cry. That's a loving gift. Not only is it good reading, but it's salvation in a way. So, I was thinking, If my house were to catch on fire again, what would I save? My family of coarse, That's a giver. But if I could only grab one thing, what would I grab? The Bible. That's what. It's one of the most meaningful things I have ever received. I can't put into words how that book makes me feel just by looking at it, Lord forbid I open it and read it. That's just a whole new river of feelings.

It's funny what kind of memories a picture can bring back. This one brought a few. My sister, Teddy, and the house fire. I miss two of those things.

I'll have questions, with a side of life

     A lot has been going through my mind lately, questions about my faith, my purpose, why I do the things I do, and, why am I not good at doing certain things. I stopped for a moment today, my back turned to my girlfriend, with tears running down my face, and let it all go. I told her I feel like a waste of space, like, I'm not moving towards my purpose, if anything, I feel like I'm regressing. Here I am, 23 years old, with the entire world staring me in the face, and I'm cowering like a child in a haunted house. Feeling a little defeated, I didn't want to talk much more, so I did my normal quiet routine, not expecting a response. I didn't feel there was much to say that hadn't already been said.

     "Everyhthing you're doing is moving towards your purpose. Reading the Bible, and building your relationship with Jesus."

      That's all she said. That's all she had to say. I realized today, a relationship with God isn't a twelve step program. It's not something where I can just show up once a week and praise, or read the bible occasionally, and BOOM! it will happen. I have to make my life his. Surrender, so to speak, my life to Christ Jesus. In theory, I thought I had. (Being saved) But, I haven't even began. I realized, the answer I've been looking for, a way out of this self-doubt, to fend of the tricks Satan is playing on me, is right here.

     When this world starts getting me down, don't cower, don't ignore my problems. Ask the Lord. Someone told me, it's easy to ask God for what you want, but nearly impossible to ask him for what you need. I never really took that in, until just now. My stubborness, to ask the Lord, is the reason, Satan is still getting the best of my mind.



Not anymore.

Self-doubt

It is four in the morning and I can't sleep. I find myself losing a lot of sleep lately. The definate reason is unknown to me, but I have my ideas. I'm one of those people, that when I lay down, I start thinking. Now, I don't mean, just thinking about what I have to do tomorrow, or how my day was today. I mean thinking in depth, questioning myself, my purpose, all the questions that make it really hard to doze off into a deep sleep.

Everyday I try my best to live through the lord. Everyday, there seems to be another obstacle in my way. I try to love, and the friends I love, seem to turn on me. I still love them, but, in turn, I find myself passing judgement on them. So, I get angry at myself, I doubt my ability to live the life God wants me to live.

It seems as though, self-doubt is my biggest enemy. My demon. Sometimes, I find myself saying, well, I can't do that, so I won't even try. Or, I'm not good enough for that. Which is hindering my ability to fulfil my dreams, my aspirations. A fear, that I can't do it the best, or no one will believe that I am trying my best, keeps me from, well, trying my best.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Is self-doubt my biggest enemy, or satan's best trick. Is he using this to keep me from being as close to God as I desire. Is my mind that weak, that, a simple trick of self-doubt is keeping me from The Lord? Why am I having so much difficulty in doing and living how I know is right?

There has to be an answer. There has to be a way to ward off these thoughts. I've prayed, and prayed, and I still feel them, I still doubt myself. How do I fix this?

PSALM 25:1-15

This is just how I feel right now.

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my
defeat.
No one who trusts in you will ever
be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those
who try to diceive others.

Show me the path where I should
walk, O Lord;
point out the right road for me
to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach
me,
for you are the God who saves
me.
All day long I put my hope in
you.

Remember, O Lord, your unfailing
love and compassion,
which you have shown from
long ages past.
Forgive the rebellious sins of my
youth;
look instead through the eyes of
your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.

The Lord is good and does what is
right;
he shows the proper path to
those who go astray.
He leads the humble in what is right,
teaching them his way.
The Lord leads with unfailing love
and faithfulness
all those who keep his covenant
and obey his decrees.

For the honor of your name,
O Lord,
forgive my many, many sins.
Who are those who fear the Lord?
He will show them the path they
should choose.
They will live in prosperity,
and their children will inherit
the Promised Land.
Friendship with the Lord is
reserved for those who fear
him.
Whith them he shares the secrets
of his covenant.
My eyes are always looking to the
Lord for help,
for he alone can rescue me from
the traps of my enemies.

I don't know what else to say.

WOW.

Jesus isn't good at hide and seek.

July 4th. I am home, at 9:47, due to past mistakes I have to pay for, and all I really have time to do is think. Thinking can be a great thing, you know, to come to new realizations, and stuff like that, but, it's different lately.

When I lay down, and close my eyes, the thinking begins, but the words just start coming, a million miles a minute, as if I almost have no control over what I'm thinking. To some it may sound obvious, the things I think, but to me, it's mind blowing, its.... phenomenal.

I've always been taught things growing up, on Easter, we'd hear about the ressurection, and on Christmas, the birth, but it never really clicked. I never really got it. The reality if you will. I mean, I remember hearing about Jesus dying on the cross. But for what, was always unclear to me. Until the other night.

I was laying in my bed, and that uncontrolled thinking started. It all became clear. A single man, loved me so much, that he was tortured, beaten, and killed. He knew it was going to happen, but he went through it to save me. ME! It's amazing, He loved me enough, to die for what I "might" do. What I will do. Amateur sounding? Probably to long time Christians. To me. its relieving. It's..... soothing.

So. Then I started thinking. Why did it take me so long to find Jesus. It's not like he was hiding. I didn't count to twenty and scream,"Ready or not, hear I come". But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I just found him. He didn't run, try to make it to base. He was just standing there, arms open. Accepting, as if, when I yelled ready or not, I was really just talking to myself. Because he's been ready the whole time. I was reading the Bible and it became clear. Why haven't I been able to fully grasp the story of Jesus? Why now, does it seem like second nature to know him, why all of a sudden? When my whole life, I've celebrated Christian holidays, I've gone to church a couple of times, I believed in Jesus, I told people I did. And then I read something, I'll never forget, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

"These people honor me with their
lips,
but their hearts are far away.
their worship is a farce,
for they replace God's
commands with their own
man-made teachings"

I can't really say more than that. I'd love to go into it, but, Scripture has a way of summing things up perfectly.

I shabby blog, but, hopefully, I've given some insight to my mind.