a freestyle if you will

As I sit down to write this, I don't have any agenda, any pretense to what I am going to say, or any message I am trying to get across, I just want to type. :) Sometimes it feels good to just read something you've written. I've gone back and read all of my blogs over the past couple of years, and wow. I have changed. I am not the potential hating/fearing person I used to be. I am a Christ Follower and well, I'm not all sorts of screwed up anymore.

Now. Don't get me wrong, I am still screwed up, just not all sorts of screwed up. Life deals a bad hand sometimes, and I still stumble, but I AM NOT that person. The person I am is hard to describe though, mainly because I've been molded by an addiction and general disconnection from myself.

But I will try to sum it up. I like to laugh, I even like to be laughed at. It makes me feel like I am making other people smile. That's what I like to do. I will even go out of my way to do it. I like people, for the most part. There are days I don't want to talk to anyone, but, generally speaking people aren't that bad. I still don't like instant grits, or anything instant for that matter. If you have never read that blog, that's too bad.. I'll have to polish it up and repost it. As if the first time wasn't enough. LOL. I know now, that I have some problems that I am working out, and I know that I like to put comma's in the wrong place when I write. Just view it as an art form. (a poor one)

My happiness comes from within, even though I also find joy in other people. Not just relationships, but when I'm feeling blue, I know who to go to. I like to write, but I'm not good at it. But, I feel like it helps keep my emotions at bay. I am good with computers, but I don't think this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

More......

I am funny. And I'm smart. I don't know why I beat myself up so much, probably just a product of my upbringing. But, all of that is going to be in my past. Because, I'm smart, I'm funny, and dog-gonnit people like me! LOL.

I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone but me, but I'll probably post my Instant Grits blog next, so stay posted. And if you want to leave a comment. Do it.. I don't mind. hehe. (that goes for any of my blogs, even the more insightful ones.)

Thanks for reading.

Tying the Knot

I've been thinking a lot lately about, "tying the knot". Obviously not how you think. Now I'm sure the phrase comes from some old swedish tradition or something, but let me offer my theory.

I think tying the knot may actually happenlong before marriage. A man and a woman start dating, and immediately start doing almost everything together. One almost certainly inherits the others favorite band or t.v. shows. Who knows. Maybe they discover new bands, or new shows together. They start eating together, sharing one anothers beliefs, thoughts, passions..... hearts. I think that's where the knot starts.

Years go by, and you start to notice, you don't see one without the other. If one's in a bad mood the other is most likely feeling down as well. If you have plans with the both of them and one of them gets sick, you can bet they both cancel. Another knot. The knots go on and on.. but I'm only naming a few.

Breaking up is difficult. Un-tying those knots is difficult. Every song reminds you of that person. All of your T.V. shows are hard to watch, you want to be watching them with that person. All of the movies you saw in the theatre are coming out on DVD and Blu-Ray. (What a crazy generation!) Everyone you see asks,"Where's so and so?". You have to go through the heart wrenching story over and over again. You have to get rid of, emotional knots, physical knots, psychological knots, and knots in your stomach.

There has to be a way to not make the "knot". Live as one without being one. I know it sounds impossible, and lives are going to intertwine, but, is that the same thing as a knot? There has to be a differenc, there has to be a way to live without knots.. I don't think I can stand the feeling anymore.

Is it possible?

Walk The Line

I think I have a Johnny Cash mentality. If you don’t know what that means, watch, “Walk The Line” one time and you will. We’re both addicts, Johnny and I, and we both have met the women of our dreams. But, let me back up a little.

In the movie, Johnny is drunk (I think) and he looks at June Carter and says, “Tell me you don’t love me.” And she looks him square in the eyes and says, “I don’t love you.” And without skipping a beat, Johnny replies, “you’re a liar.”, in his famous rough country voice.

I tell that story to say this. Johnny was convinced that love is enough. He did not stop using drugs, or drinking. He didn’t fix himself. He just assumed love would always be enough. Remind you of anyone?

I mean, I stopped drinking for a while, I stopped using drugs completely, but, did I ever really fix myself? No.

Another part of the movie, June has moved in with Johnny, stayed with him through his withdrawals, and chased off all of his drug dealers. June was his crutch. When he came to, and was able to talk without being sick, June was sitting right there. He looked at her and said, “Marry me June.” I don’t remember the exact conversation they had, but basically, June rattled off a list of problems and told him no. He replied, “Marry me June. All of those things will take care of themselves.” June got angry, and replied, “No they don’t Johnny! Someone always takes care of the for you!” Wow.

That part of the movie speaks to me loudly, especially given my current situation. I am Johnny Cash in that aspect. “All of those things will work themselves out.” That’s me, in a nutshell. I think it’s an addicts mindset. “everything takes care of itself.” But it doesn’t. That’s not how life works. I think that’s what everyone has been trying to tell me! I have to work on myself, my issues. They don’t just go away.

Maybe this is a tough love scenario. Maybe it’s not, it doesn’t matter. The fact is, I have things I have never dealt with. The fact is, that interfered with my relationships. All of them. But only one person knows me well enough to, A) recognize it and realize it. B) Act on it, I mean, really do something to talk to me. And C) portray that to me, in a way I understand. I am sure she’s said it to me point blank too, but she knew me well enough to know it was going to take more for me to see this.

She stuck with me through so much. She was my June. She wanted me to take care of things, but I was Johnny, I shut off. “It will take care of itself.” **Gag** I had a million and one chances to do something, but I didn’t. I didn’t.

But “Walk The Line” doesn’t end when June said no. Nope. Johnny finally realized and when he fixed himself, June Carter realized, she was in love with him. But, she had to see action. She HAD to see that he could take care of himself. When she saw that, they were both so strong, and had experienced so much together that nothing could tear them apart until death.

That’s the classic love story. It is so close to who I am. Maybe there still is an open future. Maybe this is what she wanted me to see. Maybe I'm reading into all of this too much. But I feel like God has moved in me. Maybe I am just being silly, but I feel like this is what I needed to realize. Maybe now, the ball is in my court.

Maybe.

Wow.

In a worldly sense.

I’ve had a lot of conflicts lately. My addiction. (again) My relationships, and just general bad decision making. I got an email today that said something that triggered a thought in my head. I’m not going to say the quote, but it brought me to my own battle. Mind and heart.

In a worldly sense, I think the mind and the heart are going to come to points where they don’t agree. When there are going to be conflicts of what is “logical” and what just is. I know the mind is capable of great decision making. I know the mind is capable of building a great engine, or, designing the world’s tallest building. But, where would the mind be if the heart wasn’t involved. For that matter, where is the heart when the mind isn’t involved. It is a conflict, it causes issues. It causes people more pain than anything else. I mean when the mind and the heart argue.

The way I look at it is this. If your heart truly feels something, it is going to win. The mind gets tired of fighting, the heart never gives up. It will wrench at you, and move you until you know it is right.

For me, it’s my mind saying, “take that drink.” Where, my heart is saying, “please don’t!” My mind is telling me, “get mad.” Where my heart is saying, “apologize.” From what I can tell my heart is always right, but doesn’t always win. Why is that? I don’t know.

I can’t say enough, how much I think people battle their mind too much. I’m not saying to wear your heart on your sleeve, because, that’s just as dangerous. But when your heart is telling you something, and you know it’s your heart. Try to listen to it. Don’t battle it too much, you’re only going to exhaust yourself, and the heart is always going to win.

I believe that with every ounce of my heart, and my mind for that matter. They actually agree. I just have to let my mind not control all of my actions. I have to trust my heart when it tells me, “one day” I have to trust my heart when it says, “don’t do that.” And when it says, “give her space.” My mind will try to tell me to do things that aren’t right. That’s why my heart is there to check me.

I guess my final thought is. Just follow your heart. It might be hard at first, but it will save you lots of heartache and exhaustion.

Me.

What have I learned? God is great. Sounds like a cop out, I know. Since I got saved, I was on cloud nine. I had the perfect girlfriend, a good job, a great church, and a great group of friends. I really couldn't complain about anything. God was easy to give praise to. Not much of that has changed, God has challenged my by taking what I felt was most important to me. When that happened, I messed up, I back tracked. Like I do. I even got mad at God! After much praying, and battling, I have realized a few things.

I'm so quick to point the finger. NOTHING can be my fault. Right? I'm so eager to find other reasons, as long as it means it's not me. "It's her, it’s him. Not me!!" That's not true. I have things in my life, vices that I clinch to, and refuse to acknowledge. I have things I refuse to let go of. God is showing me this. I HAVE to let go. I don't have a choice.

I am a control freak. I know, sounds crazy. I'm so quick to say that about others. But the fact is this. I am the worst kind of control freak. I don't openly try to control situations. No. I manipulate. Not just out loud, but in my head as well. I hear everything, I really do. I know what was said, but I manipulate everything to work better for me, or to "hear" what I want. I am guilty on all counts! I am to blame.

I've grown in Jesus so much the past two weeks, it's insane. I know that there is purpose for all of this turmoil. Do I know the full purpose? No. But I will say this. I have not been living God's Will. I have been praying it, and then acting in the flesh. My relationship was great! but I refused to fully encounter God with her. I refused to let him fully lead us. Is there blame to be placed? No. Only tomorrow for improvement.

I was reading Mark 9:14. That's intense. When you really read it, it’s almost like a movie! It's the story where Jesus heals a young boy who is possessed by an evil spirit. Aren't we all like that sometimes? Maybe no to that extent, But, at least for me, I find myself asking questions that should not be asked. Doing things that I shouldn't do!

And here's the thing. We all find ourselves in that situation. "I shouldn't have said that." or "I don't know what came over me." Read on to Mark 9:28. "After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?" He Replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."

That's where I am. These struggles can only be fixed by prayer!

The bottom line is this. Am I perfect? No. No where close. Am I a man of God? Yes! Do I struggle? Yes. Do I set myself up for situations to look bad? Yes. Do I have things I need to work out? Yes. Not for anyone but myself. Not with anyone but myself and Jesus. He came to Earth for me. I want to live on this earth for him. What happens, happens. It hurts, but there is a lesson, there is a reason.

I need to focus on God and Myself. I need to stop justifying my actions, by accusing the devil, and let God take over. I need to stop manipulating situations and let them run their course. I will be stronger and I will not let anything distract me from my goal. Which to sum it up is eternally glorifying God!

Potential again?

Here I am. A rough patch. So many things running through my head, but the obvious answer is right there. Last night I had a dream about potential. Since I can remember, and I'm sure some of you can too, I loathe potential. Never really knew why until now.

Potential means, simply put, "The ability of doing". It's funny. I have avoided it my whole life. I never considered the people I was damaging, or what i wasn't accomplishing because of it. I just feared the word, because I took it as an insult.

I have the potential to make my life better. Not the life you are thinking of. Not the standard, grow up, have a family, have kids. The End. Not that. I have the potential to witness, I have the potential to take care of my past. I have the drive to reconcile my past. I want to get rid of the things in my past that irk me. Sure, I feel I have come a long way in dealing with family deaths, and friend deaths. But, what about the abuse, what about the fact that when things get serious, or intense, I shut down.

What about humanity? I have the potential to reach them, or some of them. Instead, I'm cruising along on a low pay salary, thinking, "Other people are doing that". The fact of the matter is, I have more than potential, I have ability. Abilities beyond this world. God has blessed me with more than I could ever ask for, and sometimes, I blow it.

I like to look at the big picture. (Who doesn't) What it's all going to be like, what changes need to be made? any? But then, I refuse to act on it. It's because I'm afraid. It's not comfortable to talk about the abuse, (mental, physical, sexual) And more importantly, When I let it go, Who will I be. I have been a self loathing person for so long, I don't know what do about it.

What about the small picture? Can I make one for myself. Yes. Is it going to be a Picasso? I don't know. But, I know that somewhere, that small picture is going to meet another small picture and be an epic. A stamp in time. If I can use my "potential". It is not a bad feeling, just scary. I have SO MANY things to work out. Most importantly, who am I? I mean alone, who am I? I think that's what everyone is telling me to figure out. The answer is. Broken. But not beyond repair. Everyone needs help. Regardless of what my family has told me. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to stumble. Everyone struggles.

My final thesis. I'm not afraid of potential. As a matter of fact, I embrace it now. God has given everyone potential, and also freewill. I have ran from what God has given me, and I cannot do that anymore. The only thing is, it's not going to be potential for long, it's going to be actions.

A change is on the way. I hope the world is ready to meet Andy.

Let it go.

As I sit down to write this, I have no clue what I am going to write about. I just feel the need to write. Feel the need to talk to something, or someone. Life is tricky. I feel like everything has gone so great for me in the past couple of years. I quit using drugs, I quit drinking (up until my relapse), and most importantly I found Jesus.

Now, what's weird about that, is I think I had a mindset of,"OK now everything will be wonderful." I wanted Jesus to be a part of my life, but only certain parts. I didn't want to let go. I NEVER want to let go. Recently I have discovered that about me, and began to try and fix it.

My current situation isn't a horrible one by far. The one I love, is still alive, and still loves me. For some reason, my mind wants to make it the end of the world. Really doesn't make sense, I know. In all of my conflicts in my head, I have not been glorifying the Lord. As a matter of fact, sometimes I feel like I have disgraced him. It's a horrible feeling.

I have realized a few things. I HAVE to let Jesus take the wheel. There is no other option. Also, I have to stop being so pushy, to everyone. Trying to manipulate things to sound good to me. I can't do that. It really makes people angry.

I am sure this hasn't been a very insightful blog to anyone, except myself, but, hey, I'm realizing it at least. I have already began to let Jesus have it all, which I think is the most important step. God is with me, and that's all I need.

I guess the thing is, whoever is reading this, we ALL have these issues. Maybe not to my extent, maybe not the EXACT same, but, everybody in the world is afraid to let go. I'm no preacher, but, try it. It actually feels good!