I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go.

I am not going to be another grain of sand. I am not just going to parish when my days end. I’m not saying I am going to change the world but, I do know I am not going to let the world change me. When my time comes, whether it is next week or when I’m eighty, I am not going to be forgotten. I don’t want to hold any world records, and I’m keeping a tally on how many people love me. I just want to love everyone. I do not want to leave this world as I have been. I don’t want people saying, “he could have been so great!” That is not my intention. That is not why I was put on this earth.

I know I am here for a bigger purpose. I don’t know who will be involved with me, or where I will be to serve this purpose, but I am unique. I can talk to people who most people just can’t. I am a trustworthy person, and I am not going to let my past screw that up. I want to wake up each day with an attitude of love, and peace. I want to be contagious. I want people to talk to me, and feel love. Feel peace, feel a feeling they may not have felt for a long time, or ever!

I am not saying that I want to be in history books. I don’t want to be like that at all. But, I do want the people I reach, the people that felt my love, to change the world. It all starts somewhere. Why not with me? Why not in my community? Why not in my ministry? I don’t have a name for it. I don’t even want to make it a “ministry”, because then it gets complicated. I guess what I am saying is, my life is ministry. I may not have been living the full life of love before, but, that’s probably because I have never really understood God’s un-ending, perfect love. I do now. Or. I do as well as I can understand it. I understand it enough to be able to cope with things. I understand it enough to realize that no human can love me with everything, and I’m ok with that. I understand it enough to be able to look at other humans and say, “I forgive you for not being able to love me with everything you have. I don’t expect you to. Only Jesus can do that, but what you can love me with, I’ll take it, and I offer you what I have too. It’s not perfect, not even close, but I do have something special, and I want to offer it to you, to our community, to our ministry.”

So to follow suit of a pop icon of my generation, My “Final Thought”

Find yourself. Let God find you. You are never going to feel like you are 100% happy with where you are but, keep growing. Don’t stop seeking a relationship with God. Don’t stop seeking his will. Don’t stop doing his work. If you feel exhausted, and like there are a million questions, that means you are doing something right. Keep praying, keep moving, and God will open the doors. Don’t get too caught up in worldly things, distractions of the soul and flesh. Those things won’t be there forever. They might not even be there tomorrow. Once you find yourself with God, you can find your community, and from there, your ministry. I’m not giving you a check list. But, that is what will happen. God will provide. But, love Him. Don’t just say it. Do it. Love is an action. Jesus acted in love, all the way to his death and resurrection, he acted in love. For you and me. Give a little bit back.

Lord, let this blog touch someone. I’m not the world’s most profound writer but, I believe that I can reach someone. Please let this resonate in someone, let it sit deep in their soul, and give them the strength and courage to act. Jesus, let my love for you be an action, not just words. Jesus, I am your beloved. Thank you for everything. I love you.

Amen.

Randomness. But it makes total sense to me....

There are a lot of things I have never done. I think mostly, there are a lot of things I have not done right, at least not the first time around. I have been a man of second chances my whole life sometimes even third or fourth chances. It’s pretty rough.

But that doesn’t bother me too much. The thing that really bothers me is my writing. Sure, I’ve written from my heart. But I’ve written thought out, well scripted lines from my heart. Always asking, “What is so and so going to think when they read this?” or, “Will these words be enough to change their minds?” It’s been from my heart but, with an agenda. Manipulation.

I’ve never sat down and written without a purpose. Just to write. Not knowing the outcome, not knowing what my point was going to be. It’s a style of writing that I’ve never thought of, a style of writing that frightens me.

Spending time alone is definitely something that God wants everyone to do. To learn themselves, and to learn to love themselves. Mostly, to learn and feel the perfect love of Jesus. People as a whole just don’t have it figured out and never will. The purpose of being alone is not to learn how to be alone forever. It is not even to learn how to be comfortable with pain, (which honestly was my theory) the purpose of being alone is to discover or, re-discover your relationship with Christ, and with yourself. It’s been said a million times and a million ways but, how can you love someone else without loving yourself? More importantly, without loving Christ?

I know I cannot fully embrace all that comes along with relationships, be it friendships, or intimately, without understanding my love for myself. Am I in community right now? Yes but, imagine how much greater my involvement and influence will be when I realize no one can make me happy all of the time. No one can fulfill my every desire, or always make me smile. It’s not healthy for anyone to view another person as an end all be all to happiness. But oh so often humans do that.

Jesus’ true love has been shining through to me and it is a warm embrace. But sometimes, it is a firm hand. Showing me tough love. Showing me that I cannot sit around and wait for him to do all of the work. I cannot sit around and wait for anyone! I have to work! Nothing will work in my favor if I sit here twiddling my thumbs waiting for God to change my life. Or waiting for a woman to realize she loves me. I have the choice to make action or, to sit here and wait.

When I say I cannot wait, I mean it. Not in the way it sounds. I mean no matter how hard it is I have to push myself to the limit. That is what I have been doing. I have been challenging myself; (because I’m really the only person who can) I have been pushing myself beyond my known capabilities, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and professionally. I have realized something though. I am not a failure. I am not a weak person. I can do whatever I want and nothing, no one and no event is going to break me. I will not be stopped. Not by addiction, my seemingly habitual bad mistakes, a stressful job, or a bad break up. Nothing!

I am no longer focusing on how to not screw up. That doesn’t work, because sometimes I have a delayed reaction. Meaning, I only know a bad decision when it’s a little too late. No. Now I am focusing on making the right decisions. What God wants, what is right. I know when I start doing that regularly, (which starts now) the bad decisions will stand out. I know I will be able to recognize them early. Before it’s too late.

I do not need a woman to guide me. No, I take that back. No one can guide me. I can only guide myself, with the help of the spirit, Christ in me, I can guide myself. Then and only then can any relationship be healthy. Then other people will see Christ in me. Then I can fully commit to a community, even with its flaws and annoyances, and embrace it. Forgive people and love others as much as humanly possible.

I know God has a purpose I may never know. I know I will impact someone’s life positively. I know I must feel God’s love to do this. For the first time ever, I really love myself. This isn’t an overnight thing because growth never stops. There is still a part of me that hopes it won’t be too late, that I haven’t messed up things with Andrea. But I cannot dwell on that. It will not fix anything. I do know what I am going to do. And I know it is going to be for me. For God. Everything else will just be a bonus. But I can still pray for that bonus. Oh it will be so sweet when I work for something in my life! Finally, I know I won’t lose track!

Jesus…. Have mercy on me. Keep my mind motivated and my heart strong. I would love another second chance. God, you are awesome. You are weird sometimes, but the outcome will always be awesome. I pray that the outcome you have in mind is similar to mine. (Though I know it is greater than I can ever fathom) Jesus. I love you.

Amen.

Laust and Phound!

Who am I? I'm sure anyone who talks to me marginally knows, that is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I've read, and read and read. Prayed and prayed and prayed. Even cried a little, but don't tell anyone. And it's funny, It all makes sense now. OK. Maybe not ALL but, most of it makes sense now.

I like music. As a matter of fact, I love music. It gets me through anything. I love playing music, no matter how bad i am, and I love singing. Quietly, loudly, poorly, I don't care. I love it. I like reading. I like appreciating the weather, even if it's rainy, I like to look for the beauty, even if it doesn't come until the calm of the storm. I love the creations on this earth. No matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to be that person. That person who avoids people. I tried to not go to church for a week a while ago. I didn't go on Wednesday, and I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack. I did not like it. I do not like not being around people. (which is a good thing, and bad thing sometimes, and I recognize this) I am a man who has been lost. Extremely lost. I couldn't not show love, even though that is what I love doing. (Which I think is why I was lost)

I am a person who needs to learn a lot, and let go of even more. I am a man who needs to not second guess, or doubt himself. I am a man who has to realize, this is who I am. If you get to know me, you will love me. I know it sounds crazy, but mostly it's true. I have insecurities that could consume me, and I need to let those out. I have confidence, but, I need a little more.

I am a man who loves myself. I am a man who loves God. Even though sometimes I run astray. I am a man who loves Andrea. That will never stop. That doesn't mean I need to put her in front of me, or God for that matter but, that's part of who I am. I don't love her more than I love myself. But, I do love her. That won't stop. I am a man who realizes that even if that never actually works out, it's OK. Because I will always remember, from this, I learned love. I learned myself. I learned friendship. I learned real people.

I have passions for a lot of things too. I think people are treated unfairly. White, black, hispanic, women, men, children and adults. I think the world needs to have a little more understanding for other people, and this world would be a better place. I believe if everyone just tried a little harder, they would find their efforts are making the world a better place. I don't want to go into detail, but just in general, EVERYONE needs to try harder to be somebody.

Most importantly. The defining key. I am His beloved. It's that simple. Jesus loves me. Even though I am a stumbler, Jesus picks me up. Even though sometimes I find myself lost. Jesus is seeking me. Even when I'm broken, Jesus heals me. Because I am his beloved. When I realized I didn't know what love is, it was shown to me. Through his words. Through his actions, I realized the true meaning of love. Sometimes he has a weird way of showing it, but I am his beloved.

I am phound. almost.

weekday blues weekend loathing.

I've done it. I've completely broken myself down. Andy raw. Sure, it only took an arrest, and a few other "close call experiences" But I've done it. I don't know it's a great feeling, but it is one that is at peace. With everything. I know my mind tries to do most of the talking and that is what gets me in trouble. But, I feel tired. My mind I mean. That's the beauty of everything. Eventually, if you keep going with your heart, time and time again, your mind will get tired, fatigued, give up. I know what my mind was saying isn't logical, and the choices I was talking myself into were not logical.

But, it was a struggle. Still is. There will be times when my mind tries to tell me things, to make me give up. Or maybe that is just life. Maybe it's not completely a mental problem. Maybe, that's the way life works, so when good happens, I appreciate it and don't take it for granted. The trick is, you know, to beat life, is to follow your heart. No one does it all the time, but all the time someone does it. I am not saying that I will not get down occasionally. I am saying that is not going to affect my decision making. I am going to do the same thing I always would. Read a book, watch t.v. Get some REAL friends. something I don't feel I've really had in a long time. Surround myself with people who won't put me in compromising situations.

Life isn't really that hard. I just always let it bring me down, because I was weak. Like. Extremely weak. But, that's not me, that's not who I want to be. I know who I am now. I am his beloved. Simple as that. I just have to let go, and let him work. Everything else will build from there. If I stumble, get up and keep moving forward. Trust in God to release me from this choke hold I have myself in. Because I want a breath of fresh air.

I am going to struggle sometimes, but I am not going to let it make me. Struggle does not decide who you are. What you do with that struggle is what makes you you. I don't know if that's a quote or not, but if it's not, I'm coining it right now. Anyway, I just sat down to write this because I needed a break from this job that makes me question everything. (So if this makes no sense, it's ok. I'm not editing or proof reading... anyway, I'm sure someone else will anyway. ;) )

God, give me the strength to be strong. Give me the strength to help other people, and Jesus, please, I'm begging you please, just guide me in everything I do. You are glorious God. Help me show other people that through my actions, decisions, and general lifestyle.

Back to Love.... again.

I'll start with this.

Corinthians 13:1-13

1 If I speak in human or angelic tongues, [a] but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body [to hardship] that I may boast, [b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Wow. It's funny how people have painted their own picture of love. How I painted my picture of love. How I was playing by my rules. It was my way or the highway. It's crazy. Sometimes, I even think I'm crazy. I think I've read that a hundred times, and it has never hit me like that!

It's funny what it takes sometimes to realize stuff. I haven't been showing love to anyone. I don't possess any of those traits, I'm not patient or kind, I do envy, and I do struggle with trust. I never really showed anyone love. Sure, I act kind, and I do all the worldly things to say "I love you." and I meant it. I still do. I do love people. But, Not like the Bible says to love. The saddest thing about all of this, isn't that I hurt other people, because I failed to show them love. I have never really loved myself. That's what I am going to do. I mean, not just love myself but, REALLY love myself. I've been looking for self fulfillment, I was looking to find myself in other people. That's just sad. I never realized the only place I can find myself is in myself. I was always looking somewhere else for love, somewhere else for myself, when all along, I'm right here. insane. Well, no need to sit here and dwell on it, I just have to lift my head up and carry on. Which for me is the hardest thing to do sometimes. But now I have some motivation or,words of motivation; "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (love)

I guess the hippies had at least something right.

Ch-ch-changes

I’m so me. Three days ago, I decided to REALLY venture out, and figure out who I am. I mean, it really clicked. You know that feeling? I gave myself this pep talk, and for the most part, I’ve done fairly well. Last night, I try to go back to old ways, nothing horrible, no relapse or anything, just old thought processes, old ways of thinking to cope with things. Me. Today I wake up, after two hours of half-hearted sleep, feeling like I’m ready to give up. Like my thoughts last night was a bridge, to this land of the lost.

So, I catch the pattern. I get really motivated about something. Anything. I go all in. I mean, everything I have goes into it. Whether it’s collecting baseball cards, or a T.V. show, I put all of my thoughts and energy into it. And then something happens. I can’t really describe it, but it’s something inside of me, saying, “You aren’t good enough! You can’t do this!” And typically, I give up, shut down, shut out, quit. That’s my pattern.

What can I do about this? Do I attack this pattern head on? Do I get to the root of it? Am I good enough? Can I do this? I know I can. What is that voice telling me I can’t? My self-esteem? Maybe deeper rooted issues. I don’t know. It’s extremely difficult when you don’t know who you really are, and on top of it, you are telling yourself, that you can’t do anything. I mean, how am I supposed to REALLY figure it out? Without this "instant change" bull crap? Without this, “I want people to notice” jive? I don’t want to be an instant changer, I have found that kind of change doesn’t last.

I feel like I’m at the verge of something great. At the same time, I feel like I’m crumbling. Is this one of those things that has to happen? Do I have to completely crumble to be rebuilt? If so, that sucks. But I understand. What scares me, is I’m alone. I have to be for this process. I have to trust in God, and trust in myself. (How can I trust myself?) There’s that voice again, telling me I can’t trust myself, I’ll only screw up. But, that’s not true! If it were true, that voice wouldn’t have to keep repeating it, it would just happen.

I’m not a schizo or anything, just having internal struggle. All of this stuff has to come out. I guess the first part is the crumbling, cold, alone feeling. It has to happen. Man. That’s the feeling I’ve avoided my entire life. Everything is stacked up and the weight is about to make me collapse. Crumble. I’m scared.

Here goes nothing.