Lock and Load

Lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am ok. I mean, with everything. Over the course of the last three or four months I have been working through a lot of things. (I guess it’s actually been years) but it was brought to the forefront about four months ago. I’m sure my past blogs have talked about it, but there are things from my past that I never dealt with. I wore them on my shoulder, almost as ammunition. When someone asked my why I was how I am, I would just fire it off. Random excuses about my past, the people I have known who have died or left me. Pathetic. I mean, really pathetic.

The last four months, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. Dealing with life; past and present at once. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I mean, I have always refused to face problems, I figured they’d just go away. I always viewed my issues as ammunition to draw sympathy, or self affirmation. That is not who I am. I am not the guy that has this chip(s) on his shoulder. I am not the guy who wants everyone to say, “considering what he’s been through, he’s done ok.” No. I want people to say, “What an amazing person.”

I feel like I’m at that place. Where I don’t feel the need to have people tell me they like me. Or I don’t feel the need to be in any kind of relationship. I finally feel like I can walk by myself. I don’t need anything or anyone to hold me up. No addictions and no relationship is necessary for me to function. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am a fully operable human.

In no way am I saying that I am not still screwed up. Because well; you know me. I’m still screwed up. I probably will always have a different view on the world than most people. But, it’s more unique than screwed up. I am saying that my past is my past. It hurts, but I can honestly look back on it, and say it is all ok. People have been telling me this for years, but I never really believed it. I know that there is nothing I can do about it I know that the future is what I need to work for. Not to prove people wrong and not to try to make up for something I’ve done in the past. Just to live as honestly and wholly as possible.

I have the ability to make people smile. I can put a smile on someone’s face every day. I am sure there are people all over who can do that. But I believe that my life has uniqueness about it. I can change energy; I can make this world better. I will make this world better.

Bottom line is this world isn’t complete crap. Sometimes things happen but I can’t let them bring me down as much as I have. I can’t slip back to that guy I was. It’s too easy. I don’t like easy. I am going to move forward. I am going to remember my past and be happy that I lived it. You won’t hear this man crying about that stuff anymore. There’s too much good to focus on.