Five Years... it still stings a little.

“Two people were killed Monday afternoon after a backhoe fell off a trailer and smashed their car. Gwinnett police Cpl. Dan Huggins said the car ran a stop sign near the Vines Botanical Gardens on Oak Grove Road in Loganville and collided with a pickup hauling a tractor with the backhoe. The victims were identified as Adrienne McMahon, 21, of Lilburn, who was driving; and passenger Ryan Alward, 19, of Snellville.”

Five years ago today, my sister was killed in a freak car accident. Its strange to think about the days I had with her. What is more difficult, is to think about the days I did not have with her.

When we were little, we were BEST friends. We did everything together, and I remember the day she left for school. I sat, and looked out the window of our playroom, as she hopped in a car, to ride to St. John’s Neuman. I was sad. That was the same window we looked out together every Tuesday to watch the garbage man come. That’s the same window we looked out together to contemplate whether it really was Angels crying or if there were a bigger reason. It was the same Window we looked out to watch birds gather their food, and talk about the world outside, the stories we’ve heard, and where we wanted to be. (She wanted to be a bird when she grew up)

I think about our fights, but the way we made up so easily. I think about standing up for her at school. I got into sooo much trouble for her and it was all worth it. I remember guys she dated who I didn’t like. I even remember her imaginary boyfriend when she was 5. His name was Mr. George. (Only her cabbage patch kid Gina and I could see him) I remember her trying so hard to get me into trouble. I also remember her standing up for me to mom. I remember her taking the blame for things I did do. I remember the love we had. The love that only siblings can have. I remember she was my best friend. (Though, in school, I probably would never admit it.)

Sometimes I have struggles with this. Why can't she still be here? My sister and I didn’t always get along. As a matter of fact, her and I weren’t speaking the day she died, or a week prior to that. But, I do know that she loved me. I love her. I miss her. There is something special about having an older sister. There is something to say about the eldest siblings. Their knowledge, their guidance. Together, her and I cooked, cleaned, and helped raise my little brother and sister. Together, her and I did the best we could.

I know she’s in Heaven, and experiencing the happiness she had always longed for. The happiness, we didn’t always get growing up. I know she’s watching over me. To an extent, and saving me a seat right there next to her.

Adrienne,
For all of the tasteless jokes I made about your death, to all of the mean things I said when you were alive. For all the pranks Matthew and I played on you. For not saying I love you enough, and for not always being there. I am sorry. And for everything you may feel bad about, I forgive you. There is so much that I never got the chance to say, and there is no way I can ever imagine verbalizing it all, so I’ll end like this. I love you. I miss you. I WILL see you again.

Love,

Your First Brother, Andy.