Blog to end all blogs....

Update on my life

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:15:00 +0000

Not really.

I don't know how many people read this site, but it looks like several people from oregon come here, amongst other people from California and Texas. That's pretty awesome. Thanks to you all. I love sharing my thoughts, and I love even more that people might be interested.

I am going to start blogging somewhere else. The URL is http://www.crucialencounter.com

It's just a random blog, but, if you want some really awesome thought provoking posts, check out my fiance's site. http://www.shalomexistence.com

She is amazing. Have I ever said that here on this blog?? I'm certain I have. :)

Thanks you all, Please go over to both sites, subscribe, and ENJOY!

Update on my life.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:52:00 +0000

Ok. So I proposed, and she said yes!

I feel so lucky to be entering this wonderful relationship, family, and community. If you want to talk to her, or wish her congratulations, you can find her here.

But she has recently bought her VERY OWN domain and is going to start blogging a lot more interactively, and wonderfully. Her words are amazing, and her skills show it. :) you can find her new blog here. She hasn't posted yet. We are on a vacation, and then she will. :)

We would like to thank everyone for their prayers and support.

I will post soon on how I did it, and I will have pictures!

Five Years... it still stings a little.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:13:00 +0000

“Two people were killed Monday afternoon after a backhoe fell off a trailer and smashed their car. Gwinnett police Cpl. Dan Huggins said the car ran a stop sign near the Vines Botanical Gardens on Oak Grove Road in Loganville and collided with a pickup hauling a tractor with the backhoe. The victims were identified as Adrienne McMahon, 21, of Lilburn, who was driving; and passenger Ryan Alward, 19, of Snellville.”

Five years ago today, my sister was killed in a freak car accident. Its strange to think about the days I had with her. What is more difficult, is to think about the days I did not have with her.

When we were little, we were BEST friends. We did everything together, and I remember the day she left for school. I sat, and looked out the window of our playroom, as she hopped in a car, to ride to St. John’s Neuman. I was sad. That was the same window we looked out together every Tuesday to watch the garbage man come. That’s the same window we looked out together to contemplate whether it really was Angels crying or if there were a bigger reason. It was the same Window we looked out to watch birds gather their food, and talk about the world outside, the stories we’ve heard, and where we wanted to be. (She wanted to be a bird when she grew up)

I think about our fights, but the way we made up so easily. I think about standing up for her at school. I got into sooo much trouble for her and it was all worth it. I remember guys she dated who I didn’t like. I even remember her imaginary boyfriend when she was 5. His name was Mr. George. (Only her cabbage patch kid Gina and I could see him) I remember her trying so hard to get me into trouble. I also remember her standing up for me to mom. I remember her taking the blame for things I did do. I remember the love we had. The love that only siblings can have. I remember she was my best friend. (Though, in school, I probably would never admit it.)

Sometimes I have struggles with this. Why can't she still be here? My sister and I didn’t always get along. As a matter of fact, her and I weren’t speaking the day she died, or a week prior to that. But, I do know that she loved me. I love her. I miss her. There is something special about having an older sister. There is something to say about the eldest siblings. Their knowledge, their guidance. Together, her and I cooked, cleaned, and helped raise my little brother and sister. Together, her and I did the best we could.

I know she’s in Heaven, and experiencing the happiness she had always longed for. The happiness, we didn’t always get growing up. I know she’s watching over me. To an extent, and saving me a seat right there next to her.

Adrienne,
For all of the tasteless jokes I made about your death, to all of the mean things I said when you were alive. For all the pranks Matthew and I played on you. For not saying I love you enough, and for not always being there. I am sorry. And for everything you may feel bad about, I forgive you. There is so much that I never got the chance to say, and there is no way I can ever imagine verbalizing it all, so I’ll end like this. I love you. I miss you. I WILL see you again.
Love,

Your First Brother, Andy.

So. I'm not one to blog about computers... That would be Dorky...

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 29 May 2008 03:19:00 +0000

Well. Firefox is planning on announcing it's official release date for Firefox 3. Yes. Planning on announcing the release date. Hey. It's Firefox. They can do it. I digress.

They are trying to break a world record for most downloads in a day. That's pretty awesome. And so is Firefox. Click the button below to pledge to download on that site.... You simply put in your Email address and they will send you an E-mail when it is released. I promise it will be awesome!

:)

The Day in a Life

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Sun, 25 May 2008 00:10:00 +0000

This is what I imagine is the case for a child in Iraq. After reading this, on negotiations to ban the use of cluster bombs.

And Reading Jonathon's Blog on it

Read here for more information on cluster bombs.

"I learned young, I can’t just pick up anything that looks like a toy. I learned to never make any sudden movements on the streets. (the soldiers may thing I’m making a sudden move. I learned not to get to close to my friends, random violence here has gotten to extreme. My friends that aren’t being killed by car bombs and soldiers, are being forced to wear bombs into the market.

I don’t know how our country got to this. I haven’t been to school in six years. They kept the schools open for a little while, but an explosion closed it down for good. I’m sick, When I do eat, I typically throw it up, and if not, the diarrhea is just as bad. Sometimes I’m scared to eat, and the water is definitely not as good as it used to be. I feel weaker by the day, but the problem is doctors don’t come to this part of town anymore. My aunt and uncle say that it’s too dangerous for them. I live with my aunt and uncle, because my family was killed in a strike about four years ago. I don’t know why, we didn’t do anything. We don’t deserve this. I don’t know who I am more scared of, Hussein (when he was a live) or America.

My Aunt and Uncle have been trying to find refuge in other countries, but no one wants to take us. Papers are hard to get, and the borders are too strict for us to get through. It’s a crazy world for me right now.

I just found out that my friend was killed. I guess he thought he saw a bottle, that's what normally happens. I am sure he was just thirsty, My aunt and uncle say that it blew up. So I guess it wasn’t water. I get more and more sad every day. I don’t have many more friends, and I am scared. When is it going to end? My aunt and uncle say if we just do what the soldiers tell us to do, and follow the rules we’ll be safe. But just next door everyone was killed. I don’t think they would not. I thought America was here to help. Where is our help?

I am scared. I am only 8. What did I do? Someone? Anyone?"

Live High

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:24:00 +0000

When I saw the title of this song, I thought something completely different. Jason Mraz is a brilliant song writer, and I recommend him to everyone. Really all I am doing is posting these lyrics. He makes it seem simple.

Live High

I try to picture a girl
Through a looking glass
See her as a carbon atom
See her eyes and stare back at them
See the girl
As her own new world
Though a home is on the surface, she is still a universe

Glory God, oh God is peeking through the blinds
Are we all here standing naked
Taking guesses at the actual date and time
Oh my, justifying reasons why
Is an absolutely insane resolution to live by

Live high
Live mighty
Live righteously
Takin it easy
Live high, live mighty
Live righteously

I try to picture the man
To always have an open hand
See him as a giving tree
See him as matter
Matter fact he's not a beast
No not the devil either
Always a good deed doer
Where it's laughter that we're makin after all

The call of the wild is still an ordination why
And the order of the primates
All our politics are too late
Oh my, the congregation in my mind
Is this assembly sinning gratitude
Practicing their loving of few

Live high
Live mighty
Live righteously
Takin it easy
Live high, live mighty
Live righteously

Just take it easy
And celebrate the malleable reality
because nothing is ever as it seems
This life is but a dream

Out on a Limb

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 00:20:00 +0000

As I sit to write this, I have a million ideas running through my head, and I honestly have no clue what I will be guided to write. I have been reading Luke 19:1-10. While I read it, the phrase that comes to mind is “Out on a limb”. I guess now I have to try and explain it in context to the Word.

Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man he could not, because of the crowd. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.

All the people saw this and began to mutter, "He has gone to be the guest of a 'sinner.' "

But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, "Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount."

Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost."

There are a million things that capture me about this story. The first thing I did was try to paint a picture of Zacchaeus. This is what I have gathered about him. Zacchaeus is a short, not a religious man at all, and not very liked among his community. I picture him like a thinner ruder Danny DeVito.

Something about Jesus caught his ear. He had obviously heard some wonderful things about him. He heard Jesus was going to be passing through Jericho, and decided he wanted a glimpse. When he got to the crowd, I picture a kid at a parade. He couldn’t really see anything, so he ran over to a tree, and climbed up into it. He sat up there just trying to see.

The story could have stopped right here. It could have ended with, “Jesus walked through town, Zacchaeus’ curiousity was fed, and he continued collecting taxes.” It could have. Instead, to me something great happened. Jesus looked up. He looked up which makes me think Zacchaeus had to be looking down. That must have been weird for Zacchaeus especially. I imagine in his entire life, he had been looking up to everyone, even the people he was taking money from. For the first time in his life, he is looking down. And not just at any person but the Son of God.

Jesus called his name. Wow. To me that’s amazing, because Jesus didn’t have to. He could have said, “You, get down from that tree, I need a place to stay, and a shower, and make me some food too. But he didn’t. He said, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” That sentence alone to me is amazing. The importance of it. He called his name, he said come down immediately, not later, but immediately. There is no time to waste. You think, wow…. Jesus knew who he was. Jesus not only knew who he was, he looked up to him, and called his name. Made it urgent, and went home with him. How relational?

I question myself a lot on this matter. How many times on Sunday do I go up to people and not only do I not say their names, I don’t remember them. I leave church, and I don’t see them again until the following Sunday. Not very relational at all. It’s not that I feel bad, because I have the feeling that everyone else is guilty of that to some extent.

When Jesus called Zacchaeus and said he was going home with him, the other people in the crowd started talking…. (I guess not much has changed) Calling Zacchaeus a sinner and all of that good stuff. This reminds me of Christians. I imagine had Jesus not been there, Zacchaeus probably would have turned around and said something along the lines of, “this is why I don’t come to church,” It makes me think about how we act towards “the lost” as Christians….. It makes me giggle that we call them “The Lost” when we are sometimes just as lost, if not more.

But, with Jesus’ gesture, it changed a man’s life. Zacchaeus told Jesus, “Half of my riches, I’m giving to the needy.” Just in meeting Jesus, he has been changed that much! Not only that, he says,”… and if I have wronged anybody out of anything, I will pay them back four-fold.” Amazing. It goes to show a few things. First of all, upon meeting Jesus, immediately, you change. For the better. Secondly, you apparently are still capable of clouded thoughts. I say that because Zacchaeus said “IF”. He knew he had wronged some people, and so did Jesus. But he said if…. It kind of makes me giggle. As if he didn’t know he had wronged people. I guess it’s still hard for people to admit their wrongs, even to someone who knows all…. Weird.

I guess the point of this is, Zacchaeus went out on a limb for Jesus. He didn’t know Jesus was going to know him or talk to him. And I don’t think he expected Jesus to call him by his name. I guess that’s what we all have to do, or have done. Mankind as a whole. It’s amazing to me the love, and tenderness of Jesus. What could have happened to us. Where we would be. I think at one point or another we all have climbed a tree, trying to get a closer look at Jesus. To see what he was all about. I guess we have all been shocked and awed that he looked up at us. I know I have. I know that the things he’s done in my life have made me a person I never knew I could be. But I wonder, what would have happened if Jesus had just walked on by. Or even looked up at me and said “Hey You!” I don’t think I’d be the same person. But he didn’t. He said, “Andy, come here quickly, we haven’t much time. There is a lot I want to do in your life, so you need to hurry, admit you’re wrongs, and follow me.” Wow. I’m not out on a limb anymore. I’m actually right at home, with Jesus right there.

What a journey. And to think, I could still be stuck up in a tree.

26 hours

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 22:57:00 +0000

I feel like everything would be a little easier if there were 26 hours in a day... I know they say it won't work out but, really what's stopping them? I a world where a machine can pass a message along to our loved ones, E-mails are the core communication, and with the latest technology, you can order a cup of coffee from your iPhone, pay with your paypal account or iTunes account, walk in grab your coffee and leave, without talking to anyone. But I can't have two extra hours. I just don't think its fair. Maybe I should write a letter to Steve Jobs and Bill Gates maybe, between the two of them, they can work something out.

I have really been realizing how valuable time is. And not because I am SO important that my time is valuable. But because I know how much I would pay to have two extra hours. It doesn't really seem like a lot. I watched "August Rush" in two hours. Two hours of my life I will never get back. I can name things that last two hours that are a complete waste of time, but only because I've experienced them. I feel like I want all of that time back. I wish I could keep that time in a little baggie in my pocket. And whenever I needed an extra hour, minute or second, I could reach in my back pocket, open that baggie, and boom. More sleep, more time with my loved ones, more time with my girlfriend. All of those things I long for. Just tonight, I could have used an extra five minutes. Five minutes can be the difference between success and failure. It's just insane.

Can you think of somethings that have been a complete wastes of time to you? I don't mean mistakes, because sometimes you learn from mistakes, or great things come from mistakes... It's weird but it's true. But, can you think of something like August Rush? Can you think of something that you will never benefit from that you wasted two or more hours of your life on? Maybe years. Maybe only seconds, but still. Have you ever bent down to pick up a quarter, only to find it had been glued to the sidewalk? Not only is it embarassing, but you will never get that five seconds back, not only that, but you don't even get a quarter from it... Just a horrible situation in general.

I am sure there is a spiritual answer to this. I am sure someone could tell me a quote from the scripture and explain this all. But, I really think technology should handle this one, and perhaps Hollywood could stop making movies that are awful. All I'm saying is we have free will, and maybe I have free will to not waste my time, but Steven Spielberg, Bill Gates, and Steve Jobs could use their free will to afford me two more hours a day.

Wow, this is a random blog that will probably be erased shortly. Enjoy and comment if you want. :)

Servant

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 06:48:00 +0000

I’ve been doing that thing again… you know…. From time to time, I catch myself thinking. As much as I don’t like it, it happens to the best of us. I was riding in Andrea’s car today, sitting in the back seat, (Jen was up front) and just staring out the window. (I find that when you are in the backseat, you seize to exist to the people up front.)

I was thinking about my life. What I’ve done with it, the commitments I’ve made, so on and so forth and I’m pretty proud of myself. I don’t mean to brag but since I turned 22, I’ve almost turned everything around. In three years I’ve done a lot. The most important thing though is dedicating my life to Jesus. That’s actually why I have sat down to write this.

I am a person who needs constant reminding. With anything I do, whether it be an appointment, a birthday, (heck, if it weren’t for the Underwoods, I’d have forgotten mine this year) anything. I need to be reminded. It’s a hard thing for me to cope with, because when people remind me, I also have a tendency to get insulted. (Something I’m working on) It seems suitable for me to say, I need reminding why I am on this earth. Sure, I have a job, and “earthly responsibilities” but, I have a hard time remembering why I am REALLY on this earth.

I know that might sound amateur, or whatever, but it’s true. I think it’s easy for people to say, especially around other “Christians”. I’m on this earth to glorify, praise and serve Jesus. See how good it sounds? But what do I do to REALLY show this?

Remember the movie “Sister Act” (maybe two) where they do that song and they say, “By the way….. What have you done for him lately?” That’s where I am. What have I done for him lately? I do some volunteer work….. (When it’s convenient for me) I even gave up red meat for lint, (except I forgot a few times, and work bought me a steak when I was out of town.) I even pray before I eat…. (Sometimes, when I’m alone, I forget)

You see, I know this is something most people go through. Sure it’s easy for me to point out in myself, because I forget everything, so saying sometimes I forget to act on my beliefs of being a Christ-Follower is easy. For me to say, I need a reminder is easy. Also, it is not asking God to perform a miracle in my life everyday. With how my life went, every day I wake up is a miracle. I’m simply asking myself what I can do to remind myself?

Not only remind myself, but to act on it? It truly is a lifestyle, but what about the extreme? What about the extra mile? I want to go there. I don’t want to be a “convenient Christian”. I don’t want to be an “Until I Forgot Christian”. I want to live like Christ, to the best of my ability. I want to make my Father proud. I guess that’s what I’m getting down to. I’m here on Earth to be a servant of the Lord. All the way, not partially, not kinda, but seriously. That’s what I want to do. Recommit if you will. Something.

Anyway, that was my rant. I know I’m not the world’s greatest writer, and when I’m writing, it probably sounds half way foolish, with some spelling errors, but, it’s my heart, and I love that. J I hope you enjoy the read.

-Servant

just quotes.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 02:04:00 +0000

I have been doing a lot of reading. Books, blogs, just about anything. Tonight I want to write, but I am suffering from a pretty severe migraine, so I am going to post quotes. I'm giving links to originating pages, so I don't think I'm breaking any infringement laws. I would like to see if anyone has any comments on these. I always like to get inside of the heads of people so... have at it. Any opinions or comments? These are just webpages, I might do another one on some quotes I found in some books. have fun.

(I act like I have a million readers when I only have two and a half that I know of :) )

“Where is Jesus in this thing we call Christianity? Where could you take Jesus to church and not feel like you had to explain it to him?”

Jim Henderson

Another one I like...

Got it from here

Religious life is not for wimps,
It is for those filled with courage.
Religious life is not for the lazy,
It is for those who have the fire within.

Religious life is not for those who thirst for wealth,
It is for those whose treasure is set and kept in God.
Religious life is not for those who are their own boss,
It is for those who are obedient in seeking God’s will.

Religious life is not for those who expect to be directed,
It is for those who trust and listen to the Holy Spirit.
Religious life is not for the loners,
It is for those who hope to grow in the company of others.

Religious life is not for those who have a single plan,
It is for those who are ready to help with many plans.
Religious life is not for the grumpy,
It is for those who already rejoice in God’s friendship.

Religious life is not for those who always need to be busy,
It is for those who can remain in the quiet and stay a while with God.
Religious life is not for the militant,
It is for those who are able to be flexible.

Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 03:15:00 +0000

In this world, I am probably not known as the calmest person, probably not even as the most understanding person. I would say though, that with enough time, I can forgive anyone, of anything. I cannot even get into some of the situations in which I have forgiven. But, some might say it's too much. I was thinking about myself, where I stand as this new year rolls in. What are my main struggles? Is there anyone I haven't forgiven? Is there anyone I haven't talked to about why I'm upset?

I thought about it and prayed about it and thought about it some more. I can't think of anyone I have not forgiven. Well..... I can think of one person.... Myself. There are a lot of things that have hurt me in my life. Even a lot this last year. I can still look back and say, "If I had done this differently..." or "I shouldn't have said that." I haven't forgiven myself. I sit here, thinking about how my whole life, I have been so content with blaming myself. That if I took all the blame it would make everything better. Mom wouldn't be as mad, or my girlfriend would be happy knowing that it was all my fault, and not hers. My friends would be glad to hear that I took the blame and they were off the hook. I never needed my own forgiveness.

I don't know if that is entirely true. I mean, I know that God forgives, yadda yadda, but I've always wondered. People often say, no one can love you if you don't love yourself. Is it the same with forgiveness? Does that include God? Meaning, God can't forgive me until I forgive myself? Don't get me wrong. I am not questioning God's love, or forgiveness. I guess what I am asking is, is it really love or forgiveness if there isn't an end willing to accept it? Have I been really blocking the fullness of God's love and forgiveness because of my discontent with myself?

I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it does to me. I am saying this though. There is no reason for me to be so pissed at myself, or anybody else for that matter. There is no reason for me to sit and dwell on things I could have done differently or should not have done. I don't have the time for that. I guess the thing is, I'm not perfect, but I don't think anyone in this world is. I have made mistakes, and some might say worse mistakes than others. I don't know. I don't think it matters. What makes someone who they are is who they love and what they forgive. Which I guess that makes me a pretty awesome person. I don't fall into all of that "New Years Resolutions" jabber. But I can say, this year, I am not going to hold grudges against anyone who trespasses against me, not even myself. Donald Andrew McMahon, I forgive me.

Adults have it all figured out??...???

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 09:57:00 +0000

I wonder sometimes, are people as serious about Jesus as they say. I mean, I know it's not my place to judge and most people would probably judge my relationship with him. I hear people talk about him, but then I don't seem them Sunday morning, or I see them getting angry, or I see them distancing themselves from the community. I often wonder, "how can I tell?" Really? How can I tell? I really try to love everyone, but the only people who really seem to not judge me are the children.

Maybe it's because they don't know enough about life to judge me. Maybe it's because they aren't questioning Jesus. Maybe it's because they, as children, are able to fully grasp "absolute love". They don't question full love. They know love is something that isn't always earned, it's just..... there. They know, sometimes, I'm not always in a great mood, I'm not always ready to flip them around and be cheerful, and if one Sunday I'm not there, they hold no grudges. But, they seem to know instantly if I am in that mood. They seem to grasp more fully than most adults the true meaning of absolute love.

It makes me wonder. Is love as complicated as it seems? I mean, I have spent the better part of the last four months of my life trying to understand love, trying to fully grasp Jesus' love, and the worlds love. People, animals, the world, companies, and well.... just anything.... Looking back, it's very obvious, still easy to see, but still extremely difficult to pull off.

I am curious as to why children are more able to demonstrate "absolute love". Is it that as adults we are reading too much into it? Is there a such thing? I mean, as I sit here and ponder love, real love, are the children the ones with the answers because they don't try to over-complicate it? Is it because if I will lift them up, flip them, throw them, or even just talk to them like they are adults, they love me? Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong. Maybe I have been reading too much into this entire thing. Maybe I have just been trying to get people to love me the hard way. Through work, "pretended" knowledge and false promises and broken dreams.

Perhaps, people really love me for who I am? I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it seems more and more possible that the person I am is really loved. Maybe Jesus' heart is more like a child than most Christians like to admit. Maybe he notices the "not-so-perfect" but chooses to love anyway because he doesn't over-complicate it. He knows we are with fault but chooses to lift us up anyway because he knows; being loved may be just what we need..... Or what I need..... I'm not a pastor, just a human. Asking for love. Not from you, not from her, but from Jesus Christ. I know that he loves me but, would he trust me to hold his hand and let him flip, hold him up, throw him in the air and not let him hit the ground? Does he really love me as simply as it sounds? I think so. AND I think most adults have a hard time understanding that. Oh to be young again!

25 years old soon and I am realizing that being a child is a blessing. "You live and you learn." Sometimes I wish it could be opposite. I mean, I think things would be a lot different. I guess all of that is something for me to learn from and teach from. God, help me guide people; help me to teach them the right thing. Help me make the right decisions and help me influence people in the right direction regardless of my situation. Lord, I love you and I am lost. I don't even know what I want anymore; I just know I want You. I desire you to show me your love in the simplest yet most complicated form. I pray for my friends in whatever state they are in. Addictions, struggles with Christ, or just straight confusion. Lord, touch them. If you can use me, please do. I am your instrument, or I try to be. Use me Jesus, please!!!!

I'm coming home

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:18:00 +0000

I can hardly say I have ever been the ideal Christian, whatever that is. I do, however, have my moments of being “on fire” for Christ. I think we all do. It’s funny what I have found out about myself….

When I am on fire, or whatever you want to call it. I’m gung ho for a good while. Trying to do everything right, everything to please God. Eventually I find myself envious of the people who are not. The people who get to go out and have “fun”. The people who live care free, and don’t worry about all of the sins of the flesh. I get jealous, I want that. Sometimes, I even resent people because of it. Here I am, “living for Christ”, and there they go, living this life that I feel I want. Sometimes it feels like they are even being blessed more than me, or maybe they understand life more than me. I ask myself, what kind of a God does this?

I fall back. Or, I’ve been known to. I distance myself from God. I live this life, trying to not let the guilt of sin weigh me down. I do what I want, not what God wants. I have fun for a while. Then something happens. Not always something horrible, but something. Maybe just an idea pops into my head. Or maybe something important to me gets taken. And I find myself feeling guilty, or weak. I look at those people, who are so close to God, and it kind of makes me sick. I then begin to long for that. I thirst for that kind of relationship with Christ. I am envious of the people who have it, sometimes, I even resent people who do have it. I wonder, how come I can’t be close to God all of the time? What kind of a God does this? What kind of a father lets his children run astray?

Last night I realized. Every father lets their children go. It’s part of the growing process. If a father never let their kids leave the house, what would happen? Every father knows this. It hurts sometimes, but their love for the kid is so astounding, that they live with the pain. Knowing it’s what is best. Knowing that while their kid is out, they are going to be hurt, going to struggle, but knowing that when they came back, he’d be there to hold them. That’s what kind of a God does that. The kind that has more love for me than I will ever know.

I wish there was a way for me to go to God and stay there without envy, without feeling like I am missing out on something. I know it’s not true, but worldly things get to me. Tempt me, make me want them. The moments when I am far from God, does not mean that he loves me any less. He is simply waiting for me to humble myself and accept that love. He just wants me to come home. He knows it might be a learning process in which I might get hurt but, when I do, he knows he will be there to hold me, and comfort me and say, “Welcome home son! I missed you!”

As Henri Nouwen says in his book:

“God is urging me to come home, to enter into his light, and to discover there that, in God, all people are uniquely and completely loved. In the light of God I can finally see my neighbor as my brother, as the one who belongs as much to God as I do. But outside of God’s house, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, lovers and friends become rivals and even enemies; each perpetually plagued by jealousies, suspicions, and resentments.”

That is why I am jealous, envious, resentful. It’s because I am living outside of God’s house. The house he has built for you, me and everyone. When I refuse to go home, I only see what other people have that I don’t. I only see what I want, and not what God has given me. I only see that God isn’t blessing me, I don’t see the unlimited blessing I have had, I don’t see the unconditional love Jesus has for me. I only see the pains of this earth, and I refuse to see What Jesus has already done for me. Not just me but, everyone. Once we can all accept and embrace, or at least grasp the full love of Jesus, I think this world will be filled with a lot more good will toward EVERYONE, and a lot less hate, angst, and anger.

Can you hear him whisper, “you have been with me always, and all I have is yours.”
How amazing is that?

Quarter-Life checkpoint.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 21:46:00 +0000

"Running through the woods. The breeze in my face. Branch! **duck** Log! **jump** Oh this is the life."

That is pretty much my thought process from the age of 5 all the way up to around 11. It was perfect. Regardless of what was happening at home, I knew out there I was free. It didn't matter if mom was going back to rehab, or if she was going to yell or hit me when I got home. It didn't matter because, even if just for an hour, I was free.

I often wonder, can it be that simple again? Is there somewhere to go, or something to do that will give me that free feeling. To escape the anxious feeling about my uncertain future, the stresses of my job, my relationships, my friends, my family?

This year has been one for the records. Weddings, funerals, my dad had a stroke, and as of right now, I feel like I have lost the love of my life. To top it off, I know in less than two months, I'll be 25. 25! Holy crap. What have I done with my time? I don't feel like I have accomplished too much. But, here i am approaching my quarter-life, and I am right where I was at 5. Trying to escape. Alone.

The only difference is now, I'm fatter, balding, and not getting any better looking... I know more, that I wish I knew when I was five, and I have been through more. But the feeling is the same. I know now that life is going to go on. I know now that you don't always get what you want, and I know now that it's probably best when you don't.

There really isn't a point to this blog today. It's just a quarter-life rant. Maybe I can look back on this at my midlife, laugh and say, "I made it! and I am not running anymore! I don't feel lost!" Maybe one day, there will be a complete peace in my heart. Maybe one day, I'll be me.

Lock and Load

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 19:26:00 +0000

Lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am ok. I mean, with everything. Over the course of the last three or four months I have been working through a lot of things. (I guess it’s actually been years) but it was brought to the forefront about four months ago. I’m sure my past blogs have talked about it, but there are things from my past that I never dealt with. I wore them on my shoulder, almost as ammunition. When someone asked my why I was how I am, I would just fire it off. Random excuses about my past, the people I have known who have died or left me. Pathetic. I mean, really pathetic.

The last four months, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. Dealing with life; past and present at once. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I mean, I have always refused to face problems, I figured they’d just go away. I always viewed my issues as ammunition to draw sympathy, or self affirmation. That is not who I am. I am not the guy that has this chip(s) on his shoulder. I am not the guy who wants everyone to say, “considering what he’s been through, he’s done ok.” No. I want people to say, “What an amazing person.”

I feel like I’m at that place. Where I don’t feel the need to have people tell me they like me. Or I don’t feel the need to be in any kind of relationship. I finally feel like I can walk by myself. I don’t need anything or anyone to hold me up. No addictions and no relationship is necessary for me to function. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am a fully operable human.

In no way am I saying that I am not still screwed up. Because well; you know me. I’m still screwed up. I probably will always have a different view on the world than most people. But, it’s more unique than screwed up. I am saying that my past is my past. It hurts, but I can honestly look back on it, and say it is all ok. People have been telling me this for years, but I never really believed it. I know that there is nothing I can do about it I know that the future is what I need to work for. Not to prove people wrong and not to try to make up for something I’ve done in the past. Just to live as honestly and wholly as possible.

I have the ability to make people smile. I can put a smile on someone’s face every day. I am sure there are people all over who can do that. But I believe that my life has uniqueness about it. I can change energy; I can make this world better. I will make this world better.

Bottom line is this world isn’t complete crap. Sometimes things happen but I can’t let them bring me down as much as I have. I can’t slip back to that guy I was. It’s too easy. I don’t like easy. I am going to move forward. I am going to remember my past and be happy that I lived it. You won’t hear this man crying about that stuff anymore. There’s too much good to focus on.

I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 13:00:00 +0000

I am not going to be another grain of sand. I am not just going to parish when my days end. I’m not saying I am going to change the world but, I do know I am not going to let the world change me. When my time comes, whether it is next week or when I’m eighty, I am not going to be forgotten. I don’t want to hold any world records, and I’m keeping a tally on how many people love me. I just want to love everyone. I do not want to leave this world as I have been. I don’t want people saying, “he could have been so great!” That is not my intention. That is not why I was put on this earth.

I know I am here for a bigger purpose. I don’t know who will be involved with me, or where I will be to serve this purpose, but I am unique. I can talk to people who most people just can’t. I am a trustworthy person, and I am not going to let my past screw that up. I want to wake up each day with an attitude of love, and peace. I want to be contagious. I want people to talk to me, and feel love. Feel peace, feel a feeling they may not have felt for a long time, or ever!

I am not saying that I want to be in history books. I don’t want to be like that at all. But, I do want the people I reach, the people that felt my love, to change the world. It all starts somewhere. Why not with me? Why not in my community? Why not in my ministry? I don’t have a name for it. I don’t even want to make it a “ministry”, because then it gets complicated. I guess what I am saying is, my life is ministry. I may not have been living the full life of love before, but, that’s probably because I have never really understood God’s un-ending, perfect love. I do now. Or. I do as well as I can understand it. I understand it enough to be able to cope with things. I understand it enough to realize that no human can love me with everything, and I’m ok with that. I understand it enough to be able to look at other humans and say, “I forgive you for not being able to love me with everything you have. I don’t expect you to. Only Jesus can do that, but what you can love me with, I’ll take it, and I offer you what I have too. It’s not perfect, not even close, but I do have something special, and I want to offer it to you, to our community, to our ministry.”

So to follow suit of a pop icon of my generation, My “Final Thought”

Find yourself. Let God find you. You are never going to feel like you are 100% happy with where you are but, keep growing. Don’t stop seeking a relationship with God. Don’t stop seeking his will. Don’t stop doing his work. If you feel exhausted, and like there are a million questions, that means you are doing something right. Keep praying, keep moving, and God will open the doors. Don’t get too caught up in worldly things, distractions of the soul and flesh. Those things won’t be there forever. They might not even be there tomorrow. Once you find yourself with God, you can find your community, and from there, your ministry. I’m not giving you a check list. But, that is what will happen. God will provide. But, love Him. Don’t just say it. Do it. Love is an action. Jesus acted in love, all the way to his death and resurrection, he acted in love. For you and me. Give a little bit back.

Lord, let this blog touch someone. I’m not the world’s most profound writer but, I believe that I can reach someone. Please let this resonate in someone, let it sit deep in their soul, and give them the strength and courage to act. Jesus, let my love for you be an action, not just words. Jesus, I am your beloved. Thank you for everything. I love you.

Amen.

Randomness. But it makes total sense to me....

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 03:14:00 +0000

There are a lot of things I have never done. I think mostly, there are a lot of things I have not done right, at least not the first time around. I have been a man of second chances my whole life sometimes even third or fourth chances. It’s pretty rough.

But that doesn’t bother me too much. The thing that really bothers me is my writing. Sure, I’ve written from my heart. But I’ve written thought out, well scripted lines from my heart. Always asking, “What is so and so going to think when they read this?” or, “Will these words be enough to change their minds?” It’s been from my heart but, with an agenda. Manipulation.

I’ve never sat down and written without a purpose. Just to write. Not knowing the outcome, not knowing what my point was going to be. It’s a style of writing that I’ve never thought of, a style of writing that frightens me.

Spending time alone is definitely something that God wants everyone to do. To learn themselves, and to learn to love themselves. Mostly, to learn and feel the perfect love of Jesus. People as a whole just don’t have it figured out and never will. The purpose of being alone is not to learn how to be alone forever. It is not even to learn how to be comfortable with pain, (which honestly was my theory) the purpose of being alone is to discover or, re-discover your relationship with Christ, and with yourself. It’s been said a million times and a million ways but, how can you love someone else without loving yourself? More importantly, without loving Christ?

I know I cannot fully embrace all that comes along with relationships, be it friendships, or intimately, without understanding my love for myself. Am I in community right now? Yes but, imagine how much greater my involvement and influence will be when I realize no one can make me happy all of the time. No one can fulfill my every desire, or always make me smile. It’s not healthy for anyone to view another person as an end all be all to happiness. But oh so often humans do that.

Jesus’ true love has been shining through to me and it is a warm embrace. But sometimes, it is a firm hand. Showing me tough love. Showing me that I cannot sit around and wait for him to do all of the work. I cannot sit around and wait for anyone! I have to work! Nothing will work in my favor if I sit here twiddling my thumbs waiting for God to change my life. Or waiting for a woman to realize she loves me. I have the choice to make action or, to sit here and wait.

When I say I cannot wait, I mean it. Not in the way it sounds. I mean no matter how hard it is I have to push myself to the limit. That is what I have been doing. I have been challenging myself; (because I’m really the only person who can) I have been pushing myself beyond my known capabilities, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and professionally. I have realized something though. I am not a failure. I am not a weak person. I can do whatever I want and nothing, no one and no event is going to break me. I will not be stopped. Not by addiction, my seemingly habitual bad mistakes, a stressful job, or a bad break up. Nothing!

I am no longer focusing on how to not screw up. That doesn’t work, because sometimes I have a delayed reaction. Meaning, I only know a bad decision when it’s a little too late. No. Now I am focusing on making the right decisions. What God wants, what is right. I know when I start doing that regularly, (which starts now) the bad decisions will stand out. I know I will be able to recognize them early. Before it’s too late.

I do not need a woman to guide me. No, I take that back. No one can guide me. I can only guide myself, with the help of the spirit, Christ in me, I can guide myself. Then and only then can any relationship be healthy. Then other people will see Christ in me. Then I can fully commit to a community, even with its flaws and annoyances, and embrace it. Forgive people and love others as much as humanly possible.

I know God has a purpose I may never know. I know I will impact someone’s life positively. I know I must feel God’s love to do this. For the first time ever, I really love myself. This isn’t an overnight thing because growth never stops. There is still a part of me that hopes it won’t be too late, that I haven’t messed up things with Andrea. But I cannot dwell on that. It will not fix anything. I do know what I am going to do. And I know it is going to be for me. For God. Everything else will just be a bonus. But I can still pray for that bonus. Oh it will be so sweet when I work for something in my life! Finally, I know I won’t lose track!

Jesus…. Have mercy on me. Keep my mind motivated and my heart strong. I would love another second chance. God, you are awesome. You are weird sometimes, but the outcome will always be awesome. I pray that the outcome you have in mind is similar to mine. (Though I know it is greater than I can ever fathom) Jesus. I love you.

Amen.

Laust and Phound!

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 16:28:00 +0000

Who am I? I'm sure anyone who talks to me marginally knows, that is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I've read, and read and read. Prayed and prayed and prayed. Even cried a little, but don't tell anyone. And it's funny, It all makes sense now. OK. Maybe not ALL but, most of it makes sense now.

I like music. As a matter of fact, I love music. It gets me through anything. I love playing music, no matter how bad i am, and I love singing. Quietly, loudly, poorly, I don't care. I love it. I like reading. I like appreciating the weather, even if it's rainy, I like to look for the beauty, even if it doesn't come until the calm of the storm. I love the creations on this earth. No matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to be that person. That person who avoids people. I tried to not go to church for a week a while ago. I didn't go on Wednesday, and I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack. I did not like it. I do not like not being around people. (which is a good thing, and bad thing sometimes, and I recognize this) I am a man who has been lost. Extremely lost. I couldn't not show love, even though that is what I love doing. (Which I think is why I was lost)

I am a person who needs to learn a lot, and let go of even more. I am a man who needs to not second guess, or doubt himself. I am a man who has to realize, this is who I am. If you get to know me, you will love me. I know it sounds crazy, but mostly it's true. I have insecurities that could consume me, and I need to let those out. I have confidence, but, I need a little more.

I am a man who loves myself. I am a man who loves God. Even though sometimes I run astray. I am a man who loves Andrea. That will never stop. That doesn't mean I need to put her in front of me, or God for that matter but, that's part of who I am. I don't love her more than I love myself. But, I do love her. That won't stop. I am a man who realizes that even if that never actually works out, it's OK. Because I will always remember, from this, I learned love. I learned myself. I learned friendship. I learned real people.

I have passions for a lot of things too. I think people are treated unfairly. White, black, hispanic, women, men, children and adults. I think the world needs to have a little more understanding for other people, and this world would be a better place. I believe if everyone just tried a little harder, they would find their efforts are making the world a better place. I don't want to go into detail, but just in general, EVERYONE needs to try harder to be somebody.

Most importantly. The defining key. I am His beloved. It's that simple. Jesus loves me. Even though I am a stumbler, Jesus picks me up. Even though sometimes I find myself lost. Jesus is seeking me. Even when I'm broken, Jesus heals me. Because I am his beloved. When I realized I didn't know what love is, it was shown to me. Through his words. Through his actions, I realized the true meaning of love. Sometimes he has a weird way of showing it, but I am his beloved.

I am phound. almost.

weekday blues weekend loathing.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 18:10:00 +0000

I've done it. I've completely broken myself down. Andy raw. Sure, it only took an arrest, and a few other "close call experiences" But I've done it. I don't know it's a great feeling, but it is one that is at peace. With everything. I know my mind tries to do most of the talking and that is what gets me in trouble. But, I feel tired. My mind I mean. That's the beauty of everything. Eventually, if you keep going with your heart, time and time again, your mind will get tired, fatigued, give up. I know what my mind was saying isn't logical, and the choices I was talking myself into were not logical.

But, it was a struggle. Still is. There will be times when my mind tries to tell me things, to make me give up. Or maybe that is just life. Maybe it's not completely a mental problem. Maybe, that's the way life works, so when good happens, I appreciate it and don't take it for granted. The trick is, you know, to beat life, is to follow your heart. No one does it all the time, but all the time someone does it. I am not saying that I will not get down occasionally. I am saying that is not going to affect my decision making. I am going to do the same thing I always would. Read a book, watch t.v. Get some REAL friends. something I don't feel I've really had in a long time. Surround myself with people who won't put me in compromising situations.

Life isn't really that hard. I just always let it bring me down, because I was weak. Like. Extremely weak. But, that's not me, that's not who I want to be. I know who I am now. I am his beloved. Simple as that. I just have to let go, and let him work. Everything else will build from there. If I stumble, get up and keep moving forward. Trust in God to release me from this choke hold I have myself in. Because I want a breath of fresh air.

I am going to struggle sometimes, but I am not going to let it make me. Struggle does not decide who you are. What you do with that struggle is what makes you you. I don't know if that's a quote or not, but if it's not, I'm coining it right now. Anyway, I just sat down to write this because I needed a break from this job that makes me question everything. (So if this makes no sense, it's ok. I'm not editing or proof reading... anyway, I'm sure someone else will anyway. ;) )

God, give me the strength to be strong. Give me the strength to help other people, and Jesus, please, I'm begging you please, just guide me in everything I do. You are glorious God. Help me show other people that through my actions, decisions, and general lifestyle.

Back to Love.... again.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 00:52:00 +0000

I'll start with this.

Corinthians 13:1-13

1 If I speak in human or angelic tongues, [a] but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body [to hardship] that I may boast, [b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Wow. It's funny how people have painted their own picture of love. How I painted my picture of love. How I was playing by my rules. It was my way or the highway. It's crazy. Sometimes, I even think I'm crazy. I think I've read that a hundred times, and it has never hit me like that!

It's funny what it takes sometimes to realize stuff. I haven't been showing love to anyone. I don't possess any of those traits, I'm not patient or kind, I do envy, and I do struggle with trust. I never really showed anyone love. Sure, I act kind, and I do all the worldly things to say "I love you." and I meant it. I still do. I do love people. But, Not like the Bible says to love. The saddest thing about all of this, isn't that I hurt other people, because I failed to show them love. I have never really loved myself. That's what I am going to do. I mean, not just love myself but, REALLY love myself. I've been looking for self fulfillment, I was looking to find myself in other people. That's just sad. I never realized the only place I can find myself is in myself. I was always looking somewhere else for love, somewhere else for myself, when all along, I'm right here. insane. Well, no need to sit here and dwell on it, I just have to lift my head up and carry on. Which for me is the hardest thing to do sometimes. But now I have some motivation or,words of motivation; "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (love)

I guess the hippies had at least something right.

Ch-ch-changes

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:42:00 +0000

I’m so me. Three days ago, I decided to REALLY venture out, and figure out who I am. I mean, it really clicked. You know that feeling? I gave myself this pep talk, and for the most part, I’ve done fairly well. Last night, I try to go back to old ways, nothing horrible, no relapse or anything, just old thought processes, old ways of thinking to cope with things. Me. Today I wake up, after two hours of half-hearted sleep, feeling like I’m ready to give up. Like my thoughts last night was a bridge, to this land of the lost.

So, I catch the pattern. I get really motivated about something. Anything. I go all in. I mean, everything I have goes into it. Whether it’s collecting baseball cards, or a T.V. show, I put all of my thoughts and energy into it. And then something happens. I can’t really describe it, but it’s something inside of me, saying, “You aren’t good enough! You can’t do this!” And typically, I give up, shut down, shut out, quit. That’s my pattern.

What can I do about this? Do I attack this pattern head on? Do I get to the root of it? Am I good enough? Can I do this? I know I can. What is that voice telling me I can’t? My self-esteem? Maybe deeper rooted issues. I don’t know. It’s extremely difficult when you don’t know who you really are, and on top of it, you are telling yourself, that you can’t do anything. I mean, how am I supposed to REALLY figure it out? Without this "instant change" bull crap? Without this, “I want people to notice” jive? I don’t want to be an instant changer, I have found that kind of change doesn’t last.

I feel like I’m at the verge of something great. At the same time, I feel like I’m crumbling. Is this one of those things that has to happen? Do I have to completely crumble to be rebuilt? If so, that sucks. But I understand. What scares me, is I’m alone. I have to be for this process. I have to trust in God, and trust in myself. (How can I trust myself?) There’s that voice again, telling me I can’t trust myself, I’ll only screw up. But, that’s not true! If it were true, that voice wouldn’t have to keep repeating it, it would just happen.

I’m not a schizo or anything, just having internal struggle. All of this stuff has to come out. I guess the first part is the crumbling, cold, alone feeling. It has to happen. Man. That’s the feeling I’ve avoided my entire life. Everything is stacked up and the weight is about to make me collapse. Crumble. I’m scared.

Here goes nothing.

a freestyle if you will

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 16:22:00 +0000

As I sit down to write this, I don't have any agenda, any pretense to what I am going to say, or any message I am trying to get across, I just want to type. :) Sometimes it feels good to just read something you've written. I've gone back and read all of my blogs over the past couple of years, and wow. I have changed. I am not the potential hating/fearing person I used to be. I am a Christ Follower and well, I'm not all sorts of screwed up anymore.

Now. Don't get me wrong, I am still screwed up, just not all sorts of screwed up. Life deals a bad hand sometimes, and I still stumble, but I AM NOT that person. The person I am is hard to describe though, mainly because I've been molded by an addiction and general disconnection from myself.

But I will try to sum it up. I like to laugh, I even like to be laughed at. It makes me feel like I am making other people smile. That's what I like to do. I will even go out of my way to do it. I like people, for the most part. There are days I don't want to talk to anyone, but, generally speaking people aren't that bad. I still don't like instant grits, or anything instant for that matter. If you have never read that blog, that's too bad.. I'll have to polish it up and repost it. As if the first time wasn't enough. LOL. I know now, that I have some problems that I am working out, and I know that I like to put comma's in the wrong place when I write. Just view it as an art form. (a poor one)

My happiness comes from within, even though I also find joy in other people. Not just relationships, but when I'm feeling blue, I know who to go to. I like to write, but I'm not good at it. But, I feel like it helps keep my emotions at bay. I am good with computers, but I don't think this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

More......

I am funny. And I'm smart. I don't know why I beat myself up so much, probably just a product of my upbringing. But, all of that is going to be in my past. Because, I'm smart, I'm funny, and dog-gonnit people like me! LOL.

I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone but me, but I'll probably post my Instant Grits blog next, so stay posted. And if you want to leave a comment. Do it.. I don't mind. hehe. (that goes for any of my blogs, even the more insightful ones.)

Thanks for reading.

Tying the Knot

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 02:41:00 +0000

I've been thinking a lot lately about, "tying the knot". Obviously not how you think. Now I'm sure the phrase comes from some old swedish tradition or something, but let me offer my theory.

I think tying the knot may actually happenlong before marriage. A man and a woman start dating, and immediately start doing almost everything together. One almost certainly inherits the others favorite band or t.v. shows. Who knows. Maybe they discover new bands, or new shows together. They start eating together, sharing one anothers beliefs, thoughts, passions..... hearts. I think that's where the knot starts.

Years go by, and you start to notice, you don't see one without the other. If one's in a bad mood the other is most likely feeling down as well. If you have plans with the both of them and one of them gets sick, you can bet they both cancel. Another knot. The knots go on and on.. but I'm only naming a few.

Breaking up is difficult. Un-tying those knots is difficult. Every song reminds you of that person. All of your T.V. shows are hard to watch, you want to be watching them with that person. All of the movies you saw in the theatre are coming out on DVD and Blu-Ray. (What a crazy generation!) Everyone you see asks,"Where's so and so?". You have to go through the heart wrenching story over and over again. You have to get rid of, emotional knots, physical knots, psychological knots, and knots in your stomach.

There has to be a way to not make the "knot". Live as one without being one. I know it sounds impossible, and lives are going to intertwine, but, is that the same thing as a knot? There has to be a differenc, there has to be a way to live without knots.. I don't think I can stand the feeling anymore.

Is it possible?

Walk The Line

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 14:07:00 +0000

I think I have a Johnny Cash mentality. If you don’t know what that means, watch, “Walk The Line” one time and you will. We’re both addicts, Johnny and I, and we both have met the women of our dreams. But, let me back up a little.

In the movie, Johnny is drunk (I think) and he looks at June Carter and says, “Tell me you don’t love me.” And she looks him square in the eyes and says, “I don’t love you.” And without skipping a beat, Johnny replies, “you’re a liar.”, in his famous rough country voice.

I tell that story to say this. Johnny was convinced that love is enough. He did not stop using drugs, or drinking. He didn’t fix himself. He just assumed love would always be enough. Remind you of anyone?

I mean, I stopped drinking for a while, I stopped using drugs completely, but, did I ever really fix myself? No.

Another part of the movie, June has moved in with Johnny, stayed with him through his withdrawals, and chased off all of his drug dealers. June was his crutch. When he came to, and was able to talk without being sick, June was sitting right there. He looked at her and said, “Marry me June.” I don’t remember the exact conversation they had, but basically, June rattled off a list of problems and told him no. He replied, “Marry me June. All of those things will take care of themselves.” June got angry, and replied, “No they don’t Johnny! Someone always takes care of the for you!” Wow.

That part of the movie speaks to me loudly, especially given my current situation. I am Johnny Cash in that aspect. “All of those things will work themselves out.” That’s me, in a nutshell. I think it’s an addicts mindset. “everything takes care of itself.” But it doesn’t. That’s not how life works. I think that’s what everyone has been trying to tell me! I have to work on myself, my issues. They don’t just go away.

Maybe this is a tough love scenario. Maybe it’s not, it doesn’t matter. The fact is, I have things I have never dealt with. The fact is, that interfered with my relationships. All of them. But only one person knows me well enough to, A) recognize it and realize it. B) Act on it, I mean, really do something to talk to me. And C) portray that to me, in a way I understand. I am sure she’s said it to me point blank too, but she knew me well enough to know it was going to take more for me to see this.

She stuck with me through so much. She was my June. She wanted me to take care of things, but I was Johnny, I shut off. “It will take care of itself.” **Gag** I had a million and one chances to do something, but I didn’t. I didn’t.

But “Walk The Line” doesn’t end when June said no. Nope. Johnny finally realized and when he fixed himself, June Carter realized, she was in love with him. But, she had to see action. She HAD to see that he could take care of himself. When she saw that, they were both so strong, and had experienced so much together that nothing could tear them apart until death.

That’s the classic love story. It is so close to who I am. Maybe there still is an open future. Maybe this is what she wanted me to see. Maybe I'm reading into all of this too much. But I feel like God has moved in me. Maybe I am just being silly, but I feel like this is what I needed to realize. Maybe now, the ball is in my court.

Maybe.

Wow.

In a worldly sense.

noreply@blogger.com (Andy) — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 14:29:00 +0000

I’ve had a lot of conflicts lately. My addiction. (again) My relationships, and just general bad decision making. I got an email today that said something that triggered a thought in my head. I’m not going to say the quote, but it brought me to my own battle. Mind and heart.

In a worldly sense, I think the mind and the heart are going to come to points where they don’t agree. When there are going to be conflicts of what is “logical” and what just is. I know the mind is capable of great decision making. I know the mind is capable of building a great engine, or, designing the world’s tallest building. But, where would the mind be if the heart wasn’t involved. For that matter, where is the heart when the mind isn’t involved. It is a conflict, it causes issues. It causes people more pain than anything else. I mean when the mind and the heart argue.

The way I look at it is this. If your heart truly feels something, it is going to win. The mind gets tired of fighting, the heart never gives up. It will wrench at you, and move you until you know it is right.

For me, it’s my mind saying, “take that drink.” Where, my heart is saying, “please don’t!” My mind is telling me, “get mad.” Where my heart is saying, “apologize.” From what I can tell my heart is always right, but doesn’t always win. Why is that? I don’t know.

I can’t say enough, how much I think people battle their mind too much. I’m not saying to wear your heart on your sleeve, because, that’s just as dangerous. But when your heart is telling you something, and you know it’s your heart. Try to listen to it. Don’t battle it too much, you’re only going to exhaust yourself, and the heart is always going to win.

I believe that with every ounce of my heart, and my mind for that matter. They actually agree. I just have to let my mind not control all of my actions. I have to trust my heart when it tells me, “one day” I have to trust my heart when it says, “don’t do that.” And when it says, “give her space.” My mind will try to tell me to do things that aren’t right. That’s why my heart is there to check me.

I guess my final thought is. Just follow your heart. It might be hard at first, but it will save you lots of heartache and exhaustion.